I am writing my first blog post on my PCOS journey today, but this has been a long path up to this point. I guess it's best to start at the beginning. I have been off birth control since September 2017. I was so excited that my husband and I decided to pull the trigger so to speak and start trying to get pregnant! Those first few cycles in the fall of 2017 were so positive and full of optimism. My cycle wasn't regular by any means but hey I was off the pill so obviously would get pregnant immediately. After all I have spent all those years vigilantly taking my pill daily and on time to prevent the pregnancy monster, clearly as soon as i verge from that routine i will get pregnant immediately. Oh I wish I could warn myself that this would not be as easy as I thought.
Starting in the beginning of the new year, 2018, I started to get discouraged. After all it had been a whole 3-4 months of trying and nothing had happened. Did I forget to mention that my cycle was ALL over the place? Oh yes, minor details. I was getting my period anywhere from day 30 to day 70. Yes, that's right 70 days of pure torture. Was I really pregnant even though all the tests say negative? Anything and everything might be a pregnancy sign! And then with disappointment I would always get my period.
In July 2018 I went to my ObGyn's office. The same doctor's office that I have been going to for the past 8 years. Unfortunately my favorite doctor retired 2 years ago, so my last two annual checkups have been with different doctors. But this visit was different. This visit I had my husband in tow, and clearly my doctor would have an "ah ha" moment and tell us to take this miracle pill to get pregnant right away. Again, my poor naive brain and its unrealistic expectations. Well my doctor pretty much just wanted to do my PAP and get me out of her office, which was crushing. When I brought up the fact that we were trying to get pregnant she handed me a pamphlet for a huge fertility clinic chain and told me to direct all my questions to them. She added that do to my age, I was 35 at the time, that she wasn't even going to "waste my time" and I should go to this clinic right away. Again, crushed. I was just not expecting this to all be so complicated and hard! After all that is what my body is designed to do. Make babies. right?
So we made an appointment with the fertility clinic right there in the parking lot of my ObGyn's office. Another two weeks of waiting to find out how we get pregnant. Not a long time on the scale of things, but when you are on this fertility journey every second is precious and feels like an eternity.
So the big day comes and we go to the fertility clinic. I am still extremely hopeful. Surprised that I am going to this clinic, where I do not feel like I belong but this place is going to be amazing and help me get pregnant! Again, I was so wrong. Everyone there was so nice and easy to talk to but I felt like I was being sold a Volkswagen rather than being sold on a baby. The doctor looked at my BBT charts I brought and asked a few generic questions. She determined that I had a syndrome called PCOS. And the OMG OMG OMG panic started racing through my brain. She continued to say its very common, and then recommended blood work and procedure of xraying my uterus. Then after they got that I would have to go back x number of times a month, get this test, and that test ..... and that is where I started zoning out. Feeling totally defeated, confused, crushed, and depressed. The first time I thought to myself "this isn't going to happen ...", as the doctor continues to describe all these tests and procedures to my husband who is listening to every word the doctor said. If I didn't think this was the path for me, one of the doctor's stories nailed it down for me. She started telling us how based on test results she will tell us when the best time is to conceive. And how this office prides itself in beating the stigma of fertility treatments and multiple births by avoiding scenarios where multiple babies are a high probability. She tells us a story about a client of hers that had a high probability of having multiple babies that cycle, and though the doctor warned her not to try to conceive they did. And would you know it they had twins. It wasn't the story but the way she told it. As if those wonderfully lucky now parents were at fault for not listening and in the wrong. That's when I knew the doctor didn't get and wouldn't get it. Any women on this journey of trying to get pregnant would jump at the precious chance of conceiving a baby, even if it meant possibly multiples. Or at least that's how I personally feel. I honestly just wanted to go home at that point. There was also the cost of the whole thing, and for me my insurance covers nothing. I went home that day so down about myself.
The next few days I spent reading everything I could find online about PCOS, medical articles, blogs, pinterest, amazon book reviews. I wanted to know everything and anything about this syndrome I now have. I did my research and figured out a "now" plan for me which included supplements to try and regulate my hormones and the ultimate plan of getting healthy so my body can kick PCOS on its on. This brings me to today. This is an awfully painful and unfortunately private battle or journey or struggle I have been dealing with. I hope by writing these posts they are a form of therapy for me to get my words out there, and hopefully there is someone out there who can relate.
